The Esposito

Big Woofs Himself

The winner of the topic contest goes to a smart ass mofo who shall go nameless for now. Ya know how I do, anonymous and discrete. Lol just kidding. Or am I?

Anyway, do you have any idea how many ladies have been won over by this 91 year old man, or 13 year old dog. Quite a few. I shoulda named him Wilt, for all the bitches he lays down. He’s greedy as fuck though, big time Republican. SHARE THE WEALTH WOOFS.

They always say that dog is man’s best friend…but they clearly haven’t met the Big Woofs. He obeys no command unless there is a reward, sleeps and smokes all day and refuses to eat dog food because “woof woof woof”. Aka it tastes like shit. Why feed your best friend shit? That’s what he said to me anyway, and I was like hmmm, you got a point there.

My thought process = (1. humans live long 2. feed the dog a human diet mixed with essential nutrition for dog’s bones 3. maybe he will live longer)

His thought process = (1. my food is shit 2. “they” don’t eat my food 3. “their” food is better 4. fuck my food)

So we feed this fat tub of goo what we eat. And guess what, he is as healthy as an ox. He is a beagle harrier, or a harrier or a beagle. No one really knows. He was thrown onto the highway from a moving car while in a crate with his brother. The Esposito Himself saved him. What you know about that?

While you think about that, think about this:

“The Beagle Harrier could be a mixture of the two breeds, the Beagle and the Harrier, or the midpoint in breeding between the two breeds. It was recognized by the FCI in 1974. The Beagle Harrier can now be quite rarely found in France and are even more rare in other countries.” So the officials probably don’t even know what the fuck he is. He is a flag point in evolution. Or intelligent design. Either way, gully.

This mothafucka can’t be seen anywhere nah mean? Why don’t you see dragons and unicorns? Because they’re hiding, trying to drum up their market value, obviously. Big Woofs knows whats good, he just posts up on the couch all day, meditating and waiting for grub. You will never see Big Woofs. He even started barking when I took the picture of him, something he never does. He’s smarter than me and I’m smarter than you. Lol.

So some fuckin moron, who is probably a bandwagon riding, naive to politic, PBR drankin’ tomfoolish question mark threw 2 puppies onto a highway, who could have been his best friends, and probably only ones. If You are reading this right now, first of all thank You for allowing serendipity to occur, and second of all, Ill punch you in the face.

“The Beagle Harrier is generally good with children and other pets. They are loyal, have lots of determination and are calm and relaxed when at home, making them a good family pet.”

It’s been speculated that the puppies got thrown out because they have extra toes, called dewclaws. What you know about that?  If you know Big Woofs Himself, then you may know something about it, but not if you don’t know Him, because Big Woofs isn’t a dog. He’s my best fwend. (Awwwwwww.)

And he’s gonna live forever too. Some say he’s fat, some say he’s old, but the dude can still fly. He jumped over our 5 foot fence and gallavanted around the town for hours in December. He’s not slowin’ down anytime soon, trust me. Or maybe he is, but a Tracy McGrady type career ain’t so bad. Just save those hops for the right times Woofs. Like jumping on people when they come in the house and try to use my solid gold toilets or some shit ya kno?

I don’t know what I’ll do without Him. He’s helped me get through a lot of problems in my life (he’s been around for the most important, formative stages) and helps me come down to Earth when things get dumb. And that happens often.

Long Live the Big Woofs Himself.

Did I mention he sings to a harmonica and only sleeps if his head is rested on a pillow?? Gully.

(gully= “as if he was a seagull”= seagulls poop on everything= Big Woofs Himself is a boss)